Part 26: Psychological Distress and Self-Adjustment of Parties in Triangular or Multi-faceted Relationships

Psychological adjustment of each party in a love triangle or multiple relationships

A love triangle or polyamorous relationship refers to a situation where two or more people of the same sex are in a one-sided or two-sided romantic relationship with the same person of the opposite sex. Because love triangles or polyamorous relationships severely contradict the principles of exclusivity and monogamy, they inherently harbor profound psychological crises and emotional tragedies from their inception. All parties involved in a love triangle or polyamorous relationship should be fully aware of this and engage in positive and effective psychological adjustments to minimize the negative psychological effects.

(1) The psychological distress and self-adjustment of the loved one

To most people, being loved by two or more people simultaneously, or even maintaining romantic relationships with all of their suitors, seems like a blessing, something to be envied and admired. However, this isn't entirely true. Those who are loved often experience psychological conflicts and pressures that are not common to most, requiring effective psychological adjustment.

a. The psychological distress of the loved one. This mainly manifests in the following three aspects:

First, because suitors have both strengths and weaknesses, the person being courted experiences a significant internal conflict regarding their choice.

Secondly, there is the psychological pressure caused by public opinion. If a person maintains romantic relationships with multiple suitors at the same time, they violate the basic social moral norm of monogamy, and will inevitably be condemned by public opinion, causing great psychological pressure.

Third, there is the worry and fear of the consequences of "playing with fire." As the saying goes, "Those who play with fire will get burned." If the person being loved does not cherish themselves and invests their "love" in multiple suitors, then, facing such a complex and confusing love triangle, a slight misstep can lead to various forms of conflict in the friction and collision of love triangles or multiple relationships, even causing human tragedy, destroying both themselves and others. Countless examples illustrate this. Precisely because of this, those who "play with fire" always harbor worry and fear about the consequences.

b. Psychological adjustment of the recipient. The recipient should adopt appropriate psychological adjustment methods depending on the specific situation:

First, if you are still young and not in a hurry to settle down, you might as well not choose anyone for the time being, maintain a normal friendship with all your suitors, and make a decision after observing for a period of time.

Secondly, if you are particularly attracted to one of the suitors, you should act decisively, clearly express your acceptance of their affections, and politely decline the advances of the other suitors. Never maintain romantic relationships with multiple people simultaneously, to avoid causing greater trouble later.

Third, if you and your former lover have a deep relationship and strong feelings for each other, but there are minor aspects that don't meet your expectations, you should use the power of love to encourage and help them improve. This will narrow the gap between them and your ideal partner, and help you achieve harmony in terms of personality, ability, and interests. It's unwise to hastily abandon your former lover once you encounter a more attractive suitor. Doing so will not only hurt the other person but may also not be the best choice for yourself. This is because you haven't thoroughly understood the new suitor, and suitors often present their best qualities to your desired partner, catering to their preferences. Therefore, you cannot make a comprehensive and accurate judgment about the new suitor in a short period. The latter might not even be as good as your former lover, and then it will be too late to regret it.

(2) Psychological distress and self-adjustment of competitors

Competition in love is brutal, and the psychological distress it brings to competitors is intense, specifically manifested in the following three aspects:

First, the psychological pressure of competition. The mental tension and psychological pressure caused by fierce competition in the dating arena are obvious. Especially when the competition is intense or deadlocked, or when a competitor is at a clear disadvantage, the psychological pressure they have to bear is even heavier.

Secondly, there is hostility towards competitors. In love triangles or multiple relationships, competitors view each other as mortal enemies, harboring deep suspicion and hostility. Even if someone is a morally upright and highly cultured individual, they may outwardly display gentlemanly conduct, but inwardly or subconsciously, they will still be hostile towards their rivals. If one of the competitors is stubborn, prone to depression, easily impulsive, and lacks self-control, then this hostility could easily escalate into a vicious fight.

Third, the frustration after failure. In the realm of romance, there are always winners and losers. Losers often fall into deep frustration, experiencing negative emotions such as inferiority, depression, and anger, and may even resort to extreme behaviors.

The following aspects should be considered when adjusting one's mindset towards competitors:

First, one must be psychologically prepared to withstand setbacks and failures. Since it's competition, there will be successes and failures. This is especially true in the realm of romance. Therefore, every competitor must be psychologically prepared to withstand setbacks and failures. Only those with this psychological preparation will not be defeated by setbacks and failures, will be able to remain calm and restrained in the face of them, and will be able to learn from their experiences and lessons, minimizing the negative effects of failure.

Second, learn psychological defense mechanisms to cope with setbacks and failures. These include emotional venting and rationalization (i.e., using reasons that are acceptable, self-explanatory, and forgivable to explain and defend one's situation).

Third, don't treat your competitors as enemies. Love is a two-way street. If your partner chooses someone else over you, it doesn't mean you're inferior to them; it simply means you're not a good match. Maintain your composure, wish them well, and that's also a form of self-respect.

Fourth, shift your focus promptly. Engage your energy in work, study, or other meaningful activities to avoid becoming trapped in the pain of heartbreak.

Emotional adjustment in a relationship

Couples often experience emotional fluctuations over trivial matters, such as jealousy, suspicion, and anxiety. If these emotions are not handled properly, they can negatively impact the healthy development of the relationship.

(1) Correctly position love

A fulfilling love life can indeed provide wisdom, strength, and hope, inspiring people to actively create a better life. However, love is not the entirety of life's purpose and content. If love is placed inappropriately, or even elevated to the level of "love above all else," then such love will overwhelm one's youth, career, and ideals, harming one's physical and mental health-as the saying goes, "too much of anything is bad." Therefore, it is essential to properly position love, maintaining a healthy relationship between love and work, study, and other aspects of life, ensuring they complement each other. It is crucial to avoid separating, isolating, or opposing the other aspects of life.

(2) Enrich the content of love life

Love is not only expressed through romantic moments under the moon and constant companionship, but also exists in shared ideals and pursuits, manifested in mutual support in careers, mutual assistance in work, and mutual spiritual comfort. Only in this way can love have a solid foundation and vigorous vitality; at the same time, love can be tested, deepened, and consolidated.

(3) Take a positive view of and make good use of your lover's temporary separation.

As the saying goes, we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it. Temporary separation between lovers often makes both parties acutely aware of the sadness and pain of parting, further appreciating the preciousness of love and the importance of their partner, thus making them cherish their relationship even more. Because temporary separation between lovers (and even spouses) can strengthen their bond, couples deeply in love or young couples feeling their love fading should view these brief separations positively and make good use of this beneficial remedy to continuously deepen and solidify their relationship.

(4) Skilled at changing the ways of missing one's lover

Some lovers, when faced with a temporary separation, become disoriented, lose their appetite, and are completely preoccupied. In reality, this is merely the simplest way of expressing longing for a loved one. When this happens, try changing your approach. For example, keep a daily journal, do something meaningful for both of you, help your partner with something they've always wanted to do but haven't yet, or help care for their parents and household chores. This will give your longing for your partner more practical meaning and reduce the harm to your mental and physical well-being caused by simply being consumed by unrequited love.

(5) Shift your longing for your lover to other aspects of your life.

When you are temporarily separated from your lover, you can devote most of your energy to studying and working. This method of shifting your attention and interests can effectively overcome the expectation and longing for your lover, preventing you from suffering from physical and mental illness due to excessive longing and expectation.