Article 31: Psychological Distress and Relationship Adjustment When One Spouse's Social Status Improves

Psychological problems and adjustments in middle age

1. Marital relationship

The psychological distress caused to the spouse by one spouse's significantly improved social status and the need for adjustment in the marital relationship.

A significant improvement in the social status of either spouse, such as a promotion, a raise, financial gain, or fame, does not always bring joy and happiness to the family. This is because it alters the original positions of both spouses within the family, disrupting the previously established balance and creating considerable psychological pressure on the spouse. If both parties are complacent, negligent, or fail to make effective adjustments, it may, over time, lead to damage to the spouse's physical and mental health and a decline in the quality of family life.

The psychological distress caused to the spouse by the improvement of one spouse's status

(1) Loss

A significant rise in one spouse's social status can have a direct or indirect impact on the marital relationship. Often, the spouse with the higher social status also gains a corresponding increase in their position within the family, causing the other spouse to experience psychological imbalance and feelings of loss.

(2) Inferiority complex

When a spouse's social status rises significantly, the other spouse often unconsciously compares themselves to their spouse. If they find a large gap between themselves and their spouse, they may develop feelings of inferiority, feeling unworthy of their partner and worrying that their partner will look down on them.

(3) Suspicion

When a spouse gains status, their social circle often expands, and they tend to have more social engagements. This can lead to suspicion in the other spouse, who may worry about infidelity, thus affecting trust between the couple.

(4) Anxiety

Feeling uncertain about one's future, worrying about not being able to keep up with one's spouse, and concerns about the stability of the marriage can all lead to anxiety.

The psychological adjustment brought to the other party by the improvement of the spouse's status.

(1) Turn pressure into motivation and strive to improve your own situation. Improve your own value and situation in marital relationship and family life through personal positive efforts. In specific implementation, you can choose one of the following two methods: The first method is that you should strive to have everything that your spouse has, or at least have the basics. This is called "what you have, I also have"; the second method is that you should strive to have everything that your spouse does not have. This is called "what you do not have, I also have".

(2) Strengthen personal cultivation. The psychological distress one experiences after their spouse's social status significantly improves is often caused by negative personality traits within oneself. These traits include narrow-mindedness, competitiveness, stubbornness, oversensitivity, anxiety, depression, and lack of self-confidence. Therefore, an effective way to reduce or overcome psychological distress is to strengthen one's personal cultivation in daily life.

(3) Build your own support system to prevent problems before they arise. Many people consider family life, especially marriage, as the most important part of their personal lives, some even considering it their only focus, regarding their spouse as their "heaven." In such cases, if the spouse becomes unfaithful or cheats, the previous support system collapses. To prevent this, one should build their own support system as early as possible, especially avoiding sacrificing one's career for the sake of the family. It should be noted that building one's own support system and valuing marriage and family are not contradictory; as long as a suitable relationship is maintained, they can complement each other.

(2) The spouse whose social status has significantly improved should help their spouse reduce or eliminate psychological distress.

It is crucial to deeply recognize that your success is inseparable from the support and assistance of your spouse, and to translate this gratitude into your every word and action towards them. Never display arrogance, contempt, or resentment in front of your spouse. Even if your spouse acts irrationally due to inner turmoil, you should empathize, sincerely comfort, advise, and explain. Strive to reassure your spouse that although your social status has significantly improved, your role and position in family life and the marital relationship remain unchanged; the only difference is that your love and gratitude towards them have deepened. Furthermore, find ways to ensure your spouse shares in all the material and emotional benefits of your success.

Praising your spouse's strengths and virtues can help them feel a sense of psychological balance. Of course, praise must be sincere and based on facts; otherwise, it will backfire. Additionally, you can list areas where you are less successful than your spouse, attributing your successes to luck and the support of others (including your spouse). This can help enhance your spouse's sense of self-worth.

Regularly sharing your inner struggles and worries with your spouse, and telling them about the various pressures and difficulties you encounter outside, makes your spouse feel that you still need their understanding and support, which helps to enhance the intimacy between husband and wife.

Common causes of marital crisis conflict

(1) Economic issues

Economic issues are a common cause of marital conflict. Differing views between spouses on income management, saving, and spending can easily lead to arguments. This is especially true when the family's financial situation is difficult, making arguments over money more likely.

(2) Disharmony in marital sexual life

Another significant cause of marital crisis is sexual problems. Physical and psychological issues such as frigidity, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation can negatively impact marital relationships. Furthermore, a lack of sexual skills and unhealthy sexual beliefs can also lower the quality of a couple's sex life.

(3) Personality Disorders

The main manifestations include dependent personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and paranoid personality disorder. Dependent personality disorder is more common in women; although such women may be charming and alluring, their excessive dependence can suffocate their husbands, causing their marital life to lose its charm. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder remain selfish and demanding after marriage, expecting their spouses to serve them unconditionally, lacking empathy, and rarely showing care or consideration for their partners. Such marriages are extremely fragile and dangerous. Individuals with paranoid personality disorder are suspicious, sensitive, self-righteous, and emotionally detached in their marriages, turning what should be an intimate relationship into a tense one, inevitably leading to a crisis in their relationship over time.

Adjusting Marital Crisis Conflict

(1) Cut off the retreat route

The danger of crisis-style conflict lies in the fact that when couples are unable to resolve the conflict immediately, they often engage in a series of activities to escape intimacy or develop a range of escapist thoughts. The most extreme "escape routes" are divorce, suicide, and murder. Therefore, when couples try to improve their relationship, the first thing they must do is work together to cut off these disastrous escape routes. Of course, if all efforts by both parties fail, it is not too late to consider divorce.

(2) Mastering problem-solving techniques

Problem-solving techniques include the following four steps:

a. Both spouses should calmly and concisely identify the root of the problem;

b. Propose possible solutions to the problem;

c. Choose the best solution to the problem based on its potential effects;

d. Implement this plan in your married life and continuously refine it until the problem is successfully resolved.

In the process of problem-solving, both spouses must learn to reduce bad habits such as suspicion, nagging, nitpicking, and dwelling on past issues. Most importantly, they must learn to listen to each other with empathy and responsiveness, understanding and accepting each other's opinions, even if they don't completely agree with the other's viewpoint. At the same time, it's necessary to express one's own opinions to the other, and to promptly ask questions when not understanding the other's perspective.

Psychological adjustment when couples have conflicts over trivial matters

(1) Timely communication

When couples have disagreements over trivial matters, the worst thing they can do is engage in a silent treatment. They should communicate promptly, expressing their thoughts and feelings to avoid misunderstandings escalating.

(2) Learn to argue gently

In the long course of family life, misunderstandings, disagreements, and arguments are inevitable between couples. However, the way these arguments are handled greatly affects the outcome. Arguing requires skill; it's about controlling and calming the situation, and learning to soften a heated argument. Specifically, mastering the following techniques is essential:

a. Learn to change the atmosphere of an argument. The key to changing the atmosphere of an argument is restraint and understanding. Most arguments between couples stem from trivial matters in family life, without any fundamental conflict or serious grievances. When you feel your spouse is being "unreasonable," don't "lose your temper" or be angered by the immediate situation. Shift your emotional state to prevent the situation from escalating further; strive to control yourself, calm down first, and then reason with them. Without a calm atmosphere, any reasoning will be ineffective.

b. Learn to seize opportunities to compromise. Psychological research shows that in interpersonal relationships, especially in marital communication, there is a so-called "reciprocal effect." This means that during aggressive arguments, if one party makes a concession, the intensity of the other party's agitation decreases significantly, and their aggressive behavior weakens. At this point, the aggressor may still be angry, but their inner anger has largely dissipated. Some people worry that their compromise and concessions will lead to the other party taking advantage. However, even if this happens, it's only a temporary phenomenon. This is because equality in a marriage doesn't depend on who "wins" or "loses" in a single instance, nor is it a one-to-one outcome in every situation. Therefore, in non-principle arguments between spouses over trivial matters, it's still important to be humble and compromised, and especially to learn to seize opportunities to compromise. For example, if the other person threatens to refuse to eat during an argument, you can serve them some of their favorite snacks; if the other person is about to storm out of the house in a fit of anger, you can quickly lock the door or hide their bicycle keys and say, "Can't we settle this at home?" These small words and actions can have an unexpected buffering effect.

c. Be aware of warning signs. Warning signs during an argument may include: throwing things, especially valuables belonging to either party; one party stopping the argument and packing their belongings; cold laughter and silence, or even more aggressive or hostile expressions or actions; suddenly sitting down to write a letter, which may foreshadow running away or suicide. If any of these occur, it's a sign the argument is about to escalate. The other party should immediately "stop fighting," calm down, and take proactive measures, offering sincere comfort and an apology. If this doesn't work, an emergency phone call or sending a child to find neighbors or relatives, especially someone the other party trusts and respects most, can be used to mediate. However, this last method should only be used as a last resort, as it could potentially hurt the other party's self-esteem.

d. Keep secrets. Factors causing marital arguments include both personal grievances and private matters. Arguments don't always need a definitive conclusion. Maintaining a degree of mystery and secrecy protects each other's self-esteem and shyness about arguing, thus increasing the possibility of self-resolved conflict and healing. If arguments are easily made public, the conflict is judged by public opinion, which is unlikely to provide a truly objective and mutually acceptable assessment for the couple. Even worse, rashly revealing private arguments to others and then storming off to one's parents' home or workplace in a fit of pique exposes the conflict, leading to estrangement, a "cold war," and potentially a new crisis.