Midlife crisis – an opportunity to conceal oneself

Midlife crisis

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In the movie "City Slicker," Billy Christon's character falls to the ground while celebrating his 39th birthday.

His boss wanted to know what was going on, but Christon's character just sat there, staring blankly ahead.

Finally, he raised his head, his face contorted in pain.

"You've reached a point in your life," he said, "where you ask yourself, 'Is this the best thing I've ever seen? The best moment I've ever felt? The best thing I've ever done? Were they really that great?'"

This is an accurate description of a midlife crisis.

Of course, Billy Christon's second self is by no means the only man nervously riding a horse across the canyon of middle age.

Ulysses, Dante, and Michelangelo visited there, as did Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

When Shakespeare was nearly 40, he switched from writing comedies to tragedies, and wrote King Lear, Macbeth, Hamlet, and Othello.

In all these stories, the protagonists eventually realize they've done something wrong, but it's too late.

A vague and uncomfortable feeling.

What exactly constitutes a midlife crisis? Although its main manifestations are a general feeling of disappointment and a complaint of not having enough time, experts believe there is no simple definition for it.

Larry Bampass, a sociologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in Madison County, the leader of the National Census of Families, and MD, says that at least 40 things will happen to a person by middle age, ranging from unemployment to the death of one of their parents, decreased libido, divorce, or a serious illness.

"Middle-aged people today have it harder than ever before," says Ronald Revent, an education PhD who teaches psychology at Harvard Medical School.

He said that the Ozzie and Hariyat-style family life is no longer popular, and new demands placed on men are deepening their confusion as they transition into middle age.

"Middle age is a greater crisis for us than for our parents because of the enormous changes in the role of women and the structure of the American family," Dr. Revent said. "The roles that middle-aged men are expected to play today are very different from what they were expected to achieve growing up."

The traditional male superiority and female inferiority principle has been broken.

Many experts believe that the word "crisis" exaggerates the distress experienced by middle-aged men.

These experts also say that many prejudices about middle-aged men-such as their strong desire to retain their youth by pursuing younger women-may not be true.

"Admittedly, we all know men who abandon their wives for female secretaries at the age of 45, but men also abandon their wives when they are young," said Dr. Bampas.

In fact, Dr. Bampass's research clearly shows that the longer people are married, the lower their risk of divorce.

A survey conducted at the New England Institute of Research in Watertown, Massachusetts, by psychologist and PhD John McKinley, revealed that only 2% of the 1,700 middle-aged or older men surveyed currently have more than one sexual partner-a much lower probability than we might assume based on preconceived notions.

Leonard Feld, a psychologist and midlife and career expert at a private clinic in Los Angeles, says the word "crisis" serves more to prompt us to think about how to navigate the transition to middle age than simply to tell us that the transition has already occurred.

"Most people between 30 and 50 years old make significant adjustments based on their self-perception and how they feel about life," he said. "That's perfectly normal."

If they act impulsively in middle age, then that is a crisis.

If they abandon their wives, children, and friends, then this is a crisis.

"If they take these things into consideration, then it's a fascinating transition."

**Grasp the essence of life**

"Midlife regrets are an effective catalyst for personal growth"-this is a belief repeatedly emphasized by experts from many disciplines.

"I have to call it a midlife opportunity," says Martha Sinata, author of "Do What You Love and You'll Make a Fortune," a psychologist and PhD. "It's time to think about who I am and what I believe in."

It's time to ask myself questions like, "What do I really need?"

These are questions worth considering.

It means taking yourself seriously, perhaps for the first time.

To get rid of midlife pain to the greatest extent possible, you must first acknowledge its existence.

Therapists say there is a strong temptation to deny the problems that arise in middle age, because sometimes the answers are frightening.

"Accept whatever happens," Dr. Sinata said. "Try to relax amidst the chaos."

I'm sure you'll find something interesting in it.

Here are a few methods that can help achieve this goal.

Leisure is likely the best way to discover the most delightful technique for unlocking the subconscious mind: taking a break from this high-and-low lifestyle for a while.

"We need private and quiet places, and we need casual dating time for entertainment and leisure," Dr. Sinata said.

She suggests making a commitment to set aside some quiet time each day for solitude, reading inspiring poetry, or immersing yourself in nature when possible.

A more focused prayer and meditation retreat can also be valuable.

Dr. Sinata suggests that during those quiet times, you should use your brain as little as possible; the key is to daydream, refresh your mind, and meditate.

"The mind is unwilling to change," she said. "When you give yourself some breathing space, new insights, new ideas, and new optimism will emerge."

**Write down your story** The art of journaling-which is essentially autobiography-is a major component of the middle-aged writing studio founded by theologian Dr. Jean-Jacques Bruij.

She is the deputy manager of a consulting firm called Midlife Mentoring in Newark, New Jersey.

"Looking closely at your life can revitalize you," she said. "You need to build peace, remember the good things, and learn to see things clearly."

**Tell the truth** Dr. Sinata says, now is the time for you to start honestly telling who you really are.

In this matter, the most important thing is to find someone trustworthy and qualified to listen to the truth you have to tell.

This way, you can hear what you're saying with your own ears.

Friends are a possibility, but men don't have the same habit of intimate conversations as women.

However, better late than never.

Robert Simmons, a clinical psychologist and PhD at a private clinic in Alexandria, Virginia, says that many cities have men’s groups that aim to explore these kinds of issues.

Finding a specialist is another option.

If you are indeed seeking professional help, Dr. Sinata strongly recommends that you choose someone who can help you complete the entire process of rediscovering yourself, rather than someone who boasts about their medical skills by portraying your crisis as a problem that can be solved quickly and cleanly.

The same criteria apply to choosing friends as confidants, Dr. Feld said.

When you are choosing your "cabinet advisors," he said, "always remember that you are the president, and don't choose people who recommend themselves to you based on their own actions."

**Exposing Yourself** Carl Zhang discovered, and subsequent research has confirmed, that middle-aged men tend to experience what he calls a “sexual opposition transition.”

In this transition, as women become increasingly independent and ambitious, men become increasingly impoverished, somber, and dependent on others.

"Some of the qualities we lose reappear in middle age," Dr. Bruij said.

Encouraging the resurgence of the qualities we've lost can generate an exciting sense of discovery and help eliminate the sense of loss that accompanies the transition to middle age.

Many men have gotten involved in community affairs: perhaps as their son's soccer coach, or as volunteers at the local food distribution center.

**Latest** Information

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• Commonality: There is no exact number of people suffering from a midlife crisis, and estimates of how it spreads vary considerably.

Many treatment experts say that people who are still able to walk after their injuries are rushing into their offices, but a survey on the subject found that only 10% of American men experience midlife pain severe enough for them to call it a crisis.

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Risk factors: work stress, family troubles, any kind of major change, lack of physical exercise, spiritual emptiness, fear of death.

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• Affected age group: Different experts have different definitions of middle age, but it is generally considered to be between 35 and 55 years old.

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Gender differences: Middle-aged men do not experience the significant hormonal changes that middle-aged women undergo, but most men experience a more difficult period due to relationship problems.

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Seek help from your family: for health problems, consult a family doctor; for mental problems, consult a specialist; for spiritual comfort, consult a pastor, monk, gurus, or friend.

**Career Considerations**

For men, the most difficult thing in middle age is dealing with disappointment in their career.

In his book "The Male Self," Dr. Wilard Gelling states that when men with the same level of education as us commit suicide (men are eight times more likely to do so than women), the majority of the time it is due to social stigma stemming from career failure.

"Reconstructing life goals" is one of the top priorities for middle-aged people, says PhD Gilbert Burim.

He is a social psychologist who oversees the Successful Midlife Research Network at the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation in Vero, Florida.

In his book, *How We Deal with Success and Failure in Life*, Dr. Brim recommends a three-part approach to re-evaluating one's career for anyone who has ever felt disappointed by the progress of their work.

Dr. Brim said that many of us set deadlines arbitrarily for ourselves and then become frustrated when we don’t achieve our goals within the allotted time.

The simplest solution to this problem is to postpone it.

"You can say to yourself, 'Okay, I didn't get rich this year, but I'll definitely succeed next year,'" Dr. Brim said.

Lower your expectations. This is another quick way to relieve self-pressure.

Dr. Brim suggests setting your goal on earning $100,000 instead of $10 million, and buying a suitable seaside cottage instead of your dream 12-room Victorian house.

One of the signs of maturity in middle age is accepting imperfections.

**Abandon the goal** If all other methods fail, Dr. Brim says, then abandon an impossible goal.

Accepting reality remains important for a successful transition into middle age.

Our goal is inner peace, not winning the game you've created for yourself.

Dr. Burim added that there are more people than you might imagine who are still dissatisfied even after achieving their goals.

For example, similar approaches are equally effective.

In this situation, the first solution is to find a new, more demanding goal to achieve; the second solution is to completely shift to a new pursuit.

"Linus Pauling is a shining example in this regard," said Dr. Burim. "After winning the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, he became a leader of world peace."

**Quick Facts**

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**Male Menopause**

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The debate about whether so-called male menopause exists is said to be quite heated.

The content states that the decrease in testosterone in middle-aged men roughly corresponds to the decrease in menstrual flow in women at the same middle age.

Some have suggested that this hormone is associated with decreased overall energy levels, muscle strength, and libido.

Unsurprisingly, a wide variety of hormone replacement therapies have been introduced to the market, some of which claim to have rejuvenating effects on men.

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These treatments are highly contradictory and have not been proven.

Dr. Lawrence Levine, director of the men's sexual health program at Rosch-Price-Betterlin-St. Luke Medical Center in Chicago, said that testosterone replacement therapy carries the risk of exacerbating both benign and malignant prostate hyperplasia.

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There are also many questions surrounding the claim that healthy men need to increase their testosterone levels first.

"The cause is almost always discovered when testosterone levels are low," said Williams Hazard, MD, chair of the Department of Internal Medicine at Wick Forest University's Bergman Gray School of Medicine in Winston-Serram, North Carolina.

He added that during a person's lifetime, when they are not sick, the decrease in testosterone levels is so slow that it is "almost undetectable."

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Is the claim about male menopause accurate? According to Dr. Hazard and others, it's unclear.

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Men experiencing mood swings and loss of libido should blame their own psychology, not testosterone.